The value in being strung out

I asked for new guitar strings for Christmas; specifically the rust-resistance Elixirs that can stand up to the weather inside the church building and my neglect to change them often enough. I got a set for my electric guitar, which is nice because I had broken a few prematurely rusty strings and replaced them with acoustic strings of a different gauge and it played and sounded weird.

John, the other guy who plays guitar in the church here told me that when he bought his first guitar at a store the guy made sure to show him how to string it. The first thing he told him was to make sure they are all strung in the same direction so you are always turning the tuning pegs in the same direction when you tune the guitar.

I strung the top E string in the wrong direction. This is beginner stuff. It was the first string I put on and I always string my guitar the same way and it is in the wrong direction - it was strung in instead of out. You can imagine my confusion when I got to tuning that last string and it was going in the wrong direction. I was doing the right thing, but this object was not responding as expected.

One time a guy wanted to have a debate about the value of church and how he could get more spiritual activity completed on a nice walk. In a setting without ground rules, he may have won handily on the basis that oftentimes church attendance and the attached interactions do not have an entirely positive effect. When we both started with the same set of assumptions - namely that church operated as it is supposed to rather than how it often does - his point was impossible to argue.

When you have a problem, it is fairly imperative to identify to root cause.

Treating your dysentery is almost pointless if you don't also recognize and resolve the contamination of your water supply.

Putting on deodorant to cover your man musk won't do the trick when real problem is that you haven't showered in four days.


You can change every part in your car but if you don't address the fact that an empty gas tank is the true reason you chugged to a halt on the interstate, you are stuck in park.

Changing the music in your church won't solve anything if you don't first address the attitudes from which the complaints about the music originated.

I can turn and turn and turn that tuning peg, but if I don't make the realization that it was strung incorrectly in the first place, I will only get further from resolution.

Thank you very little

Today on my way from one place to another I got a call from Sandy. She needed $9.71 to pay for something and wanted me to stop by Casey's to get some cash. I had already passed Casey's so I went to the closer of the two local gas stations to grab a few things and get some cash back with my debit card.

At this point you may be wondering why I went to the extent of buying something and getting cash back instead of just hitting the nearest drive-thru ATM and getting twenty bucks. Allow me to enlighten you. You will thank me later.

When you go to an ATM, you almost invariably have to pay a fee - usually it is around $2. Personally, I bank out of town so there isn't many options for an fee-free ATM. Oftentimes your bank also charges you for using someone else's ATM and you can end up paying like $5 to get $20. Stupid banks.

Getting cash back when you purchase an item is free. This means that it is a much better option to get a little something from the gas station and spend a few bucks for a snack instead of spending even more for nothing more the transaction: essentially you are getting your snack free and still pay less than you would have in fees. Genius, no? I didn't think of it, so you can feel free to note the genius of the idea without attributing it to me if you please.

Back to my story. I was closer to the Freedom Oil here in town than I was to the Casey's so I figured that for my current purpose it was just as good. I filled up a cheap fountain drink (one of only one way that Freedom may be better than Casey's) and grabbed the snack Sandy suggested I buy so I could take advantage of the cash back gambit. When I got to the counter and asked for cash back I was told I couldn't get it. I was confused and said,
"I can't get cash back with a debit card?"
She said,  "No, just with check."
I said, "Ah man, let me put back the snack - I just got it so I could get cash back."
She said, "Sorry"
I said, "No big deal"
She said, "If you need cash back you can go to the other gas station down the street."
I said, "That was my plan."

I didn't say, "Thank you very little."

Then she gave me my receipt and I was on my way. I had a big cup of sweet tea so I wasn't too upset. Of course then I looked at my receipt and noticed that she hadn't gotten the snack taken off before I got charged for it. Still wasn't upset really - I mean, I still got the snackage. I went back in said something about since I paid for it I better go grab it. She hadn't realized her mistake and confirmed it on a receipt and apologized again and I told her not to worry about it again and took off.

Most people who know me well recognize that I am not a peerless example of self control so understand that I am not setting myself to be one, but let me make note of a few things that happened here. When I found out that my plans at getting cash back were foiled, I was noticeably disappointed. I realized, though, that it wasn't her fault - a cashier does not make such policy decisions - and I didn't take it out on her. Me having a bad day isn't a good reason to make her have one as well. No amount of telling her about how I was feeling would change how I was feeling - it could only change how she was feeling.

I could have also simply left the fountain drink and snack at her counter and walked out. She actually indicated that I didn't have to buy it - but I declined her offer and let her know that there was no reason to waste the drink that couldn't be put back.

You'll notice that when I left and noticed her mistake that I came back in and corrected it, but I didn't berate her and allowed her to check the receipt to make sure everything was kosher. It is likely that she could have refunded the purchase, but I weighed whether it was worth the $1.59 that I was getting a snack for anyway and decided it wasn't. It wasn't just that it wasn't worth my time or whatever, but it wasn't worth her time and energy and the potential effect on her day in general.

Somewhere along the way we decided that we deserve certain things and that, in those cases, no social conventions apply. If I paid for this meal, I deserve to be able to tell you exactly what I feel about it and demand a refund and send it back repeatedly. If you made a mistake that in some way inconvenienced me, it is well within my rights to take it out on you.

I recently read about how Christians are often brought up in a way that leaves them overly passive and ineffective in conflict or confrontation. The book emphasized being good over being nice. I kind of liked the idea. Nice people are very often unable to assertively stand up for themselves and are prone to being walked on and taken advantage of. Sometimes you need to speak up in a way that may be perceived as rude or mean as a matter of defense against a bully of some sort at work or school or home or in the community. This is being assertive, but not aggressive. This is defending, not attacking. This is being good over being nice.

If I had given the cashier a piece of my mind, many people would have said "Good for you!"

The problem: not only was I not being nice, I wasn't being good either. There is a wide space between being assertive to avoid being purposely taken advantage of and being aggressive in response to taking some sort of loss by the accidental action of another or as a result of circumstances beyond their control. One is a defense against a bully, the other is being the bully.

It shocks me that Christians often do not make the distinction. It is like they believe that when they pay for a meal the option to talk down to and berate the restaurant staff is a part of the price.

In Chicago there is a restaurant named Ed Debevic's. At this restaurant the wait staff is mean. This isn't my personal review of a place I had a bad experience with once: this is their business plan. They make jokes at your expense and mock the way you make an order and you are expected to fight back. You pay extra for this experience - whether you want it or not. Ed Debevic's is a lot of fun and no one's feelings get hurt because everyone is in on it.

Applebee's is not Ed Debevic's. Neither is Olive Garden or McDonald's or the Chinese Buffet or Freedom Oil.

When the service or policy of any establishment causes you inconvenience or any sort of pain consider your response carefully. Are they purposely trying to take advantage of you or rip you off? If it is a bank, the answer is probably yes but that is a bitter aside that I will save for later. Is your problem a result of their poor service or mistakes?

If they aren't purposely taking advantage of you, get over it. You didn't pay enough to be entitled to ruin the day of a server that you probably weren't going to tip appropriately either way. What have you really lost in this interaction? I personally got everything I paid for, I just didn't intend to pay for it. What do you possibly have to gain by lashing out? I would have only felt guilty and, living in a small town, would have made a fool of myself in a way that could easily come back to me in short order. I can't really think of a great example of when it makes sense as an adult, as a generally decent person, and especially as a Christian to behave in a hostile manner in such a circumstance.

Notice that I didn't just leave without taking what I had paid for. If your steak is bloody, have them cook it more. If you ordered fries, go back and ask for your full order. You don't have to be a jerk to get what you paid for, but if you are seeking to get what you feel like you "deserve" you probably are being a jerk.  A sense of entitlement is petty and childish.

When I was done at Freedom Oil, I went down the street to Casey's.
I didn't get something I couldn't put back.
I asked for cash back in advance.
He offered $20.
I asked for $10 - a five and 5 ones.
He joked, "Now you are just being picky."
I said, "Oh I know... believe me, I know."
He laughed.
I did say "Thank you."

By the time I count to three...

Somewhere along the way, Sandy and I started using a new method of Jack-management. When we asked him to do something (or stop doing something) and he failed to comply - we would start counting.

1... 2... 3...

We never talked to one another about this new parenting strategy. We never told Jack that he better do what we told him before we got to three. But guess what? It works. Every time.

The higher the number, the more urgently he acts. Usually he hears the "one" and either ignores it or slowly starts to act. By the time we hit "two" he either greatly increases his speed of action or has already completed the command given him. If we get to "three" he moves furiously to complete the task before time runs out. Even though we never told him there was a specific deadline for his action, I have never gotten past the number three.

One of my friends in college used to save up assignments until the night before they were due and pull all-night study session to complete his projects. He did this on purpose. He didn't let things slide until the last minute, he purposely chose to save them up until time had almost run out and then act. I suppose the added motivation ensured that he didn't even have the choice to lose focus or procrastinate further.

If we don't impose deadlines on action, action will generally fail to occur.

Lend me $50. I will pay you back. Someday. Probably.

If you don't remind me or at some point say - "Hey, I will be seeing you Monday, can I get that 50 bucks then?" I might easily assume you never really wanted me to pay you back and it was little more than a matter of courtesy that I said I would pay you back.

That isn't my actual course of action when lent something so you can let me borrow without fear, but that is a reasonable expectation on a request for action without deadline. I let my friend Matt borrow a table and chairs of my indefinitely. Will I ever ask for it back? Probably not, but if I ever have need I will have to place some sort of deadline - formal or informal - on the return of that furniture.

Generally this principle works on a shorter scale of time. If I am asked to do the dishes and agree to do it, it may take me a few days before I get to it. Sandy may actually do them herself before I get to them. I wasn't lying about my intentions, but since she didn't add a deadline of any sort to the request, the lack of urgency allowed me to easily slide it down my to-do list.

If I switch gears over to church life, this discussion takes on a whole new life. When a preacher says we need to change, we might decide then and there to do so and never "get around" to it. That doesn't necessarily bring our sincerity into question, it is merely a sense of urgency.

If a leader says  - "You need to meet as a ministry or committee this year," the members of said group may actually plan to meet. That meeting generally does not happen because it is easy enough to say - we still have 10 months, or 6, or 3 - until it is too late. If the same leader says - "You need to meet quarterly AND you need to set a date for at least your first meeting today," -- those meetings will most likely occur.

The closer we get to our deadlines, the more urgently we act to complete our tasks. Without those deadlines, we don't have the urgency.

Setting deadlines isn't telling people what to do or how to do it, it isn't micromanaging and looking over shoulders, it is merely communicating the value of the act happening within a set time frame. It is establishing urgency. If a limit isn't set, the importance of completing the undertaking is minimized.

To emphasize the critical nature of the operation you don't have to set up all sorts of ultimatums or consequences if they aren't done. If you set up those consequences without telling them when they will be enacted they are irrelevant. Set the expectation and the time line and see what happens.

What happens if we get to three and Jack hasn't been obedient to what we asked? We don't know, it has never gotten to that point.

When maintenance is not enough...

In the past week, I have been pretty excited about the direction we have been starting to take as a church - specifically in the leadership. I personally have spent a lot of time trying to get to the root of our problems and the more time I spend focused on the topic the more often I am able to get down to the lowest common denominator on any given issue.

Yesterday, I was asked to give an announcement - really more of a charge - at the end of church. We have apparently had problems getting the church cleaned in recent years. Each year, a list with about 10 different jobs is set out. When you sign up for any given job, you are put in a rotation with others to complete those tasks weekly for a month at a time. It is a pretty easy gig, but they have had a hard time filling the sheet. I could give a whole lot list reasons for that, but in preparing what I was going to say I stumbled upon a different and less contentious realization that I want to share.

In the process of exhorting people to sign up to clean, I took the opportunity to inject a note about helping with King's Club - our midweek ministry for PreK-5th grade students. Every year it seems we make progress with King's Club - the volunteers get better and more numerous, the program gets better organized and more purposeful, the students seem to get more out of it, and the number of students increases. Today, we are at a point where we need more adults in place to serve as leaders and mentors for the children who are attending before we can progress much further.

Maintenance is never enough.

When we simply hold the line, we fail to see new faces and kids begin to lose the excitement that keeps them coming back and bringing friends. We may always have a certain amount of kids coming up and replacing those who graduate out of King's Club into middle school - but quite often the Pre-K kids we get are the younger brothers and sisters of other students in attendance. When a 3rd grader brings his friend, that friend, if he sticks, eventually brings his siblings. Without the influx of new youth in attendance, the older kids will pass out of this age group and the numbers dwindle to about half of what they currently are.

In the sermon on Sunday, it was noted that something like 30+ people moved out of town from this congregation in the time the preacher had been in town (a bit more than 7 years). More than ten had died. I have personally noted that in some cases, one dying meant that a spouse slowed or stopped their attendance. Some have taken sick, have moved to nursing homes, or have become confined to their homes. At least one family has left amicably, and still others have left the church because they didn't like it for some reason.

By my count, the church has lost no fewer than 60 attenders in that amount of time.  The number probably approaches 75. In a congregation of this size that is a staggering number. 60-75 people represents a massive percentage of current attendance. To be fair, this sort of turnover happens everywhere: people move, get angry, get sick, and die regardless of the church situation. Gladly, some of those people have been replaced in the pews here, but we aren't keeping pace.

Maintenance is never enough.

As I pondered all these numbers, I suddenly realized that it isn't merely some superficial numbers game we play. The desire to maintain is a failing attitude.

Spiritually speaking, when you seek to sustain the status quo personally, it is natural to regress, not progress. The goal is not to stay the same as you, but to grow towards being the same as Jesus. That is a goal that you can never personally attain, so there is never a point at which you can choose to merely manage your faith.

Viewing the Church from this same point of view can change to way we work in many aspects of church life. We would seek to constantly update and upgrade our facilities rather than merely keep them presentable. We would seek to promote financial stewardship rather than just pay the bills. We would seek make each aspect of our worship service more meaningful instead of only seeking not to upset anyone. We would seek to train more and better teachers and equip them with better and more functional supplies and spaces rather that to just keep the positions filled. We would seek to encourage serving and loving the people around us in our everyday life over only having that sort of connection with other members.

Maintenance is never enough.

It is the easy way out, it is a regression to the mean. It is a failure to be on purpose and seek progress.

Seeking more than to maintain requires us to meet and think and pray and work more. It requires of us more time and love and effort and discipline and accountability. Now, to sit and write those words and make that my charge is also not enough, it is almost cliche. Telling you that if you work harder, things will be better is pretty naive. This is different. This is saying to work harder in one direction, with a singular purpose, with a new motivation - that of progress over maintaining the way things are and have been.

Maintenance is never enough.